Heard the voice and knew it well... hell, I knew it intimately for almost three years.
After a lapse in time after those years, we reconnected but it wasn't the same. What I felt for him was... not sure how to explain it. I felt like an outsider looking in. Was this the man I fell head over heels for all those years ago? No, it couldn't be.
Wait! It is but whoa, it's gone. That intense love I felt for him. Then it made me wonder, did I ever really love him or was it that "what you can't have you want"? He had charisma and charm and knew how to turn it on full throttle but he never really meant what he said. Even his mother warned me several times. "My dear, he means well. He feels that way in the moment but when the moment is gone, so is how he feels." I didn't believe her at the time.
Now I understand what she meant. I had finally grown up. And I had just turned 50. Who knew!
And we had more lapse in time of about a year and a half. Sure, we are friends on a social media site but I think we read each other's page a handful of times. Maybe commented even less. I knew subconsciously that he was there but it wasn't important to see what he was up to anymore. I saw him as he was those years ago. Stringing many women along while confessing his love for one woman for all his life.
Looking back, the irony is not lost on me. He never bothered to really know me all those years ago. He just liked my words. If you were to ask him something about me, he would not be able to answer you correctly, whereas I could probably tell you his whole life story. I was someone he could turn to when he was bored. I just never got that until there was separation and lots of time.
Looking back, the irony is not lost on me. He never bothered to really know me all those years ago. He just liked my words. If you were to ask him something about me, he would not be able to answer you correctly, whereas I could probably tell you his whole life story. I was someone he could turn to when he was bored. I just never got that until there was separation and lots of time.
We reconnected again recently. Strange. It was so different.
His voice. That is what caught my attention. It was different this time. There was a spark that was never there before. A lightness that made him sound alive. I felt proud of him for finding that within himself.
I had an epiphany today while driving to work as the sun rose. In the first three years that we talked every day, he may have laughed 4 or 5 times but it always sounded forced and weak. 4 or 5 times in the three years that I was getting to know him. It was as if life was not fun for him. He was just going through the motions until death took him. You could hear it in his voice then.
While talking to him the last couple of days, he laughed as a young man does. As someone who really sees his life as meaningful. Fun. Filled with miracles. Amazing experiences. Reaching out for his dream. I mean, he really laughed from his gut and I had never heard that from him before. And he laughed often. In those couple days, he laughed more than he did the first 3 years I knew him.
It warmed my heart.
For the first time, I felt that he would be recognized as someone really special and good things will happen for him.
Some times, we just need time to start over again. If you have a foundation that is a little cracked, it can be easy to fill in those cracks with humor, positive attitudes, kind words and a little compassion. The outcome, if it continues, is a more meaningful friendship. I think it could rebuild what was starting to crumble.
To all friendships, near and far... namaste!
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